Kelty Hearts F.C. Hospitality

New Central Park

Back to Fife for hospitality number 6. A 40-minute bus trip to Kinross park and ride, then an 11 minute bus trip to Kelty high street. Simple. Turns out the 10:37 Dundee to Kinross is a popular trip and is fully booked. Turns out the 11:37 is equally as popular so alternative travel plans are needed. We jump on a train to Kirkcaldy in the hope that my sister can collect us from Kirkcaldy train station and then transport us to Kelty. Not a problem, but nearly 40 years living in Fife and she’s never once visited Kelty. Why would I? she asks. Fair Point. Google maps get us to the stadium in 20 minutes. Tucked away in a housing estate, we reach New Central Park and make it in time for the 12:00 start.

Our cheapest hospitality so far at £60 each. Live football on the screens in the hospitality suite beforehand, 4 drink tokens, a hot buffet pre-match, a Buffalo Farm steak pie at half time and then a return to the lounge for man of the match and sponsor presentations after the full-time whistle. Once the drinks tokens are used, you’re welcome to stay at the social club and take advantage of the cheap drink until late. A match day programme is also supplied. Smart Casual dress code.

New Central Park has a full capacity of just over 2,000. Two covered enclosures on one side of the pitch and a seated stand of 350 seats on the other. The rest of the stadium, including office, club shop, changing rooms, hospitality suite and social club can be found on the East side of the ground and are made up of individual buildings and portacabins.

There’s very much a community feel as you walk up the dirt road to the stadium and just wander through the gates. People pottering about getting on with their matchday jobs, many of them volunteers, giving you a nod of acknowledgment but not questioning why you’re there. The doors open to the portacabin office and someone shouts out if we’re ok. We tell them that we’re here for the hospitality and he points us in the direction of another portacabin where Ian will sort us out. As we’re walking up, a guy in a Kelty Hearts jacket appears, possibly part of the coaching staff and asks why we’re here. He gives the advice to get a few drinks, watch the teams kick off and then head back to the bar. Forget the football! I think he was semi joking but after Kelty’s previous performances, he’d much rather join us than stand in the dugout. He wishes us well and we join the hospitality suite.

The hospitality portacabin is decked out with a row of tables, buffet set up at the back and a bar at the front. Flat screen TVs on the wall and on our day, the Old Firm game was on. Ian meets us and takes our name. A very welcoming guy. He’s rushing about making sure everyone is ok and being seen too. Very much like a pub landlord. We’re set up at a table of 4. Programme on the table and a brown envelope for us both. Inside, 4 Kelty Hearts poker chips. These are our drinks tokens for the day. Tony is already very impressed by these and contemplating the best way to acquire one.

Before we settle down for the first drink, Tony mentions a dodgy stomach and is concerned that the toilets are the first door in front of you as you enter the portacabin. Plus, the door is usually wedged open. There’s also only one toilet cubicle! Visit there and everyone will know. His tactic of ‘I’m away for a vape’ may just work though. He leaves the lounge, comes back looking lighter and suggests another wee walk of the stadium. Again, nobody questions us as we walk around the side of the pitch and snap a few pictures. The club shop is another portacabin and I grab a Kelty Hearts coaster. The steal of the day though, a £10 Kelty Hearts top, located on the clearance rack. Tony gets one for his little one but if they had it in an adult size, I would have got one for myself. We return to the portalounge with our purchases.

Kelty only ask for half the money for reserving your hospitality place, so I settle the other half of our day with Shaun, the guy that emerged from the portaoffice earlier to ask if we were ok. From talking to him later, we find out that Shaun is very much involved with the club. Along with Ian and others there on the day, he’s a volunteer. Originally not a Kelty Hearts fan, he got involved during COVID, where he contacted the club asking if he could help. He started filming the games and from there took over the social media side of things. Very much like Ross from Montrose, Shaun likes to get involved and support the club as much as possible, taking on whatever role is needed. He chats away like a guy you’ve just met in the bar and like Ian, he made us feel valued on the day. A few days after our visit, we get an email from Shaun to thank us for coming and opens the door for a return visit.

In the lounge, the selection of drinks at the bar is good. Plenty of spirits to choose from as well as bottled beers and draft options. I opt for a pint of Heverlee lager, a change from the Tennants that’s usually on offer and determined to be the only man in the room to not have a pint, Tony uses his first poker chip on a Malibu and Coke. Ian explains the day like a Scottish town crier. Get your own drinks from the bar, help yourself to the hot buffet, head out for the match, come in at half time for an ‘Award winning Buffalo Farm Steak Pie’, watch the second half and then come back in for some more drinks. Ian didn’t try to big up the football or make any real reference to the team itself. He was very much about everyone just enjoying themself. He came for a chat at one point to see how we were getting on and mentioned some of the SPFL hoops that clubs need to jump through to offer hospitality on match days. Hoops that smaller clubs don’t benefit from. Like Shaun, he speaks away like a friendly random you’ve met in the pub. ‘This is what football is all about’ he says, ‘sitting with your mates, watching a game and having a drink’. I can’t guarantee this is a direct quote but it was something along those lines. I agree with his mantra.

For the first time on our hospitality journey, there is a hot buffet on offer, meaning steak pie was not an option! A cauldron of stovies, a giant pot of Chilli and another cauldron of curry sat on the table. Rice was also available along with pitta breads, grated cheese and nachos, which Ian seemed very proud to be offering. The stovies, I won’t lie, didn’t look great. They tasted nice but were more a meat, potatoes and veg in gravy than a stovie. Possibly a Kelty stovie, but to me, not far off a watery stew. I wasn’t sure if we were limited to how many times we could visit the buffet but a man, 3 tables down with supersonic hearing, confirmed, you can make as many trips as you want. I opt for a round of chilli this time and take Ian up on his pitta bread and nachos that he’s still pushing as if he made them himself. The curry wasn’t sampled although other tables were happily firing in about it and the chilli was nice. Ian’s pitta bread was the real winner though.

As we’re finishing off our meal, the other two guests at our table arrive. For once, social Tony seemed gutted that there were more people to talk to. He had his eye on their brown envelopes, with the potential to get a poker chip without sacrificing one of his drinks. We meet Kenny and Lynsey, neeburs* that stay in a village nearby. Kenny is retired and Lynsey works in a residential school that look after children in care. Both nice people and neither of them support Kelty Hearts. I feel myself chatting to Kenny and Lynsey far more than any other previous hospo days. Possibly feeling more comfortable with my Fife neebs**.

* neebur is a Fife term for a friend. Similar to the word neighbour however you do not need to live anywhere near your neebur! This was explained to Tony who was surprised at how many times it was used in the day.

** neebs is a shortened version of neebur

Tickets are sold for the half time 50/50 draw and then we head out for the start of the match. Different from our other experiences, Ian explains that we can put an order in for a drink at half time. Anything left on the table during the first half, will be cleared but we could grab a beer at the interval if we wanted. As well as the hoops that clubs need to jump through for hosting hospitality, it seems that Ian is also aware of some loopholes too.

The ground has one seated section, so we head to that. It’s at the opposite side of the pitch and made up of standard plastic stadium seats. We take advantage of nobody sitting in the front row and stretch the legs out. Best leg room we’ve had so far. Although we had a choice of 3 different hot vats of all you can eat food, not to mention Ian’s pitta’s, cheese and nachos, Tony purchased a macaroni pie from ‘The Pie Hut’. This was possibly to warm him up though, rather than to cure his hunger as it was bloody freezing.

Half time and we head back to the hospocabin. Half times scores are on the big screens for people to check their coupon progress and a pint is waiting. Ian has been bigging up the Buffalo farm steak pie all day, cracking a joke about how he had to cut off the horns before it goes in the pie and now was the moment of truth. The pie was decent but cold. A bit warmer and this pie could have challenged Dunfermline’s steak one. The cold pint made up for it though. No win on the 50/50 so we finish the drinks and food and head back out for the second half. It’s not been noted at any other ground but the backdrop at New Central Park makes a nice view. This probably says more about the standard of football but we got a good 10-minute conversation about the view outside of the stadium as the game was going on!

Full time whistle and we head back into the warmth where a few pieces of memorabilia are given to various sponsors. We use up all our drinks tokens and then discuss how we’re going to get back to Dundee. Kenny and Lynsey rattle off various different scenarios that involve buses and trains in a variety of different combinations, without any actual set times or prices. Lynsey also suggests an Uber. We give a chuckle, which Lynsey seems quite offended by, stating that ‘You get Ubers in Fife!’ but we explain that we laughed because you don’t get Ubers in Dundee. Turns out you don’t get them in Kelty either but don’t tell Lynsey that! We opt for the Brechin approach of, we’ll find a pub and figure it out over a drink. Ian thanks everyone for coming and invites them to the club lounge to watch the darts. That was Kenny and Lynsey’s plan and I don’t think they would have minded if we joined them. I actually think they would have also put us up for the night if we asked. Saying that, I think Shaun, Ian and even the boy in the Kelty jacket would have had us round for drinks and offered us a bed for the night. Ian would have pitta bread and nacho’s ready for us in the morning too.

We say our farewells and plan the route home. A bus, a train, a sausage supper stop, another train and a taxi ride see us back home.

New Central Park Hospitality Ratings

Entertainment 2/5

A low score for the entertainment. Compared to other grounds, where there have been games etc. The only thing on offer was the 50/50. Football was on the TV, pre and post-match though.

Hosting 4/5

Ian was great. Welcoming, friendly and attentive. He had a very light-hearted approach about the whole day and was very much just wanting everyone to be enjoying themselves and have a good time. He constantly came round having wee chats and offering banter. Staff at the bar and in and around the ground were also very friendly.

Seating 3/5

Standard plastic, foldy down seats but due to the front row being free, the leg room was outstanding.

Meal 3/5

A good selection of food. Stovies didn’t look great but tasted ok and there were no complaints about the chilli or curry. Extras of pitta bread, cheese and nachos also helped. As many helpings as you can, meant you could really take advantage of the food if you wanted.

Half Time refreshments 2/5

This seems harsh as the pies are genuinely award winning but it was cold.

Drinks 4/5

A big selection of drinks and the Heverlee lager on draft was nice. Tony got his Malibu and coke without any issues and there were plenty of other spirits as well as wine on offer. When the tokens are done, the drink is also cheap..

Value for money 4/5

This is the cheapest hospitality yet and was good value for money. 4 drink tokens don’t seem much but there was a good selection of drink available and realistically you could eat until you burst. The set-up of football constantly on the telly was appealing. We were able to sit and watch the old firm game without struggling to get a seat like you would in a busy pub. Low scoring for the entertainment and half-time food but the general atmosphere in the lounge was brilliant. People were friendly and the whole day was very laid back. Great value for money and you know that the club benefit from the income.

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